Family, Family Life, Relation and Sexuality, Relationship Guide

When women are abandoned

When women are abandoned

4 emotional stages of abandonment

A woman’s heart bleeds when a relationship ends. And it feels particularly painful when she is abandoned by her partner and does not take the initiative on her own. As soon as the separation has taken place, women begin to repeatedly move in circles. Because they have a natural tendency to analyze everything and want answers to questions they will probably never get. The typical “why” or “couldn’t I, if we had, if we were…” haunt them day and night. How do women deal with a breakup? Does time really heal all wounds?

1st phase: helplessness

Very often women cannot accept the end of a relationship. And although the separation was certainly not an easy step for her partner, some women secretly remain hopeful: He will change his mind and come back. A feeling of helplessness spreads and hits the stomach. Nothing wants to taste anymore, the appetite stays away. The woman is busy with questions after questions. Should I have seen it coming? Would couples therapy help?

2nd stage: grief

The feeling of helplessness gives way to the feeling of sadness. Old photos and memories are looked at, letters and emails read over and over again. Objects, people and situations are a permanent reminder of the failed relationship and the failure felt as a result. Again, women typically begin to question. Was I really happy or just satisfied? Self-esteem sinks and with it the feeling for one’s own positive strengths and sides.


3rd stage: anger

And so it is that the feeling of sadness – slowly, gradually – turns into anger. Some women feel treated unfairly. Very often they sacrificed a lot for their relationship and their partner, cut back and renounced a lot in favor of the children. And that should be the thank you? Thoughts of revenge are circling in the head of an abandoned woman, as are hatred and jealousy– especially when another woman was involved. The way the partner broke up with her can aggravate the situation. How tactfully can a man separate from his partner and a possible long-term fulfilled partnership? If the relationship also has children, the protective maternal instinct sets in alongside anger, which wants to spare the child pain and worry, but cannot prevent it.

4th stage: Acceptance

Eventually, after a long period of sadness and anger, there comes a point of acceptance. The women learn to let go of the old relationship and accept the end as status. The emotionally draining time is now over. The desire and longing for a new partner with whom she can let go again are stronger and give her new courage. It will definitely take time. But also help from outside to get a new perspective and to gain new hope.

How can abandoned women deal with the new situation?

There is a long way to go until then. Distraction alone is not a remedy, but it helps to a limited extent. In order to make a cut forward and not regret things that you said or did while you were still processing the relationship, some kind of no contact is helpful. Getting clear about your feelings for about a month can be more beneficial for overcoming the pain of a breakup than constant fighting, angry phone calls, or pointless discussions in a charged atmosphere. An absolute taboo is sex with the ex and also falls into the category of contact blocking. It lowers self-esteem and ultimately doesn’t lead to a reasonable solution for either of them.

The question of whether the ex “was the one who could make her happy” does not arise anyway. Because as long as she hasn’t tried it with a new partner and possibly experienced an even more intense and fulfilling relationship than the previous one, the answer remains open.


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