“Not this time” – How parents can lovingly refuse children’s wishes
From the “Quengelregal” at the supermarket checkout to the depths of large toy shops, it is teeming with offers that make children’s eyes light up. Parents know, however, that fulfilling all children’s wishes not only costs money, but could also put a strain on their own upbringing. Denying your child a wish is therefore perfectly normal and important for development. However, parents should know how to avoid big arguments.
Explanations are also important for children
Even a small candy can be enough to arouse childish cravings. What usually follows is the question, “Can I PLEASE have that?” At this point, however, parents do not always agree with their youngest and must ensure that toys, lollipops and the like find their way back onto the shelf. If you don’t explain to your child why your wish isn’t being fulfilled right now, you’ll create a lack of understanding. This, in turn, can lead to lengthy discussions and awkward arguments in the middle of a deal.
It is therefore perfectly fine if mum or dad takes a moment to explain the “why” behind the “no”. It is often enough just to explain that there are still so many sweets in the sweets cupboard at home or that the desired toy is simply too expensive for a spontaneous purchase. Many parents will be surprised at how understanding their children will be when there is a reason for denying a request.
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Be careful loud: wishes from children in the defiance phase
Between the ages of two and three, i.e. until they start kindergarten, children experience their own ability to control. Sigmund Freud already knew this when he described the so-called “anal phase”, in which children not only learn cleanliness, but also experiment with holding on and letting go.
Exercising control over one’s parents is something children this age love to explore. Wishes in business can become a problem here. If the child reaches the limits of its autonomy, mom and dad quickly become opponents with whom you have to fight for victory or defeat. Loud screaming, the typical “throw on the ground” or bitter crying are then tactics with which the parents are supposed to change their minds. Often it is no longer about what you really want.
In such a situation, it is not correct to repeatedly repeat the explanation given for denying the wish. It is better to let the child be angry and, if necessary, to go out of business with him for a moment. In this way, sons and daughters realize that their attempts are unsuccessful and, after some time, will stop fighting to have children. In any case, this requires patience and strong nerves.
Read more about the defiance phase
Why not every wish should come true
Some parents tend to fulfill their children’s every wish, no matter how small. This may sound comfortable at first and protects against outbursts of anger in public . For the development of a healthy personality, however, constant wish fulfillment is not conducive. Boundaries play a crucial role in child development .
A “no” in the supermarket also represents such a limit and offers the child security within the scope of his or her possibilities. In this way, the child learns through consistency that it can rely on its parents. This in turn promotes self-confidence and independence and can have a positive effect on frustration tolerance and social manners. Those who do without this will deprive their own child of some crucial aspects of its development and will sooner or later have to reckon with difficulties.
So it’s only right to say “no” sometimes and then stick to it. Conversely, the next “yes” feels all the better and the fulfillment of wishes does not become a matter of course.